How to assess your relationships so you can be “Organized & Energized” with Emmi Fortin

Kathi: Hey everyone, I am so happy you're here. Today I have an incredible guest. Her name is Emmi Fortin, and we're going to talk about breaking up and healing up and making life better after we go through some type of wacky, not so great relationship. So thanks, Emmi, for being on the show.

Emmi: Yes, thank you so much, Kathi. I'm happy to talk about how we can organize and energize in this space.

Kathi: I love it. When people go through breakups, the last thing they feel like is becoming energized or organized. But as we were talking about before the show, it's really important to get your stuff together before you face any type of breakup. But to start, let's backtrack here a minute and let's talk about you, Emmi, and why you're doing what you're doing, and let's hear a little bit of the backstory about your breakup coach mastery.

Emmi: Yes, thanks. So mine is a juicy story, actually. It's based in my own experience in this on-and-off relationship, which I refer to as a situationship. I'm sure that a lot of your listeners will be very familiar with this kind of relationship. There's very cloudy expectations. Are you together? Are you not? Don't really know what's going on. So anyway, I was involved in this relationship for six years. So that means I was going through repeated breakups with the same person for six years. And you might think, well, once you've gone through it a few times it might get easier, right? But it actually was the opposite. It was getting harder and harder, because all of these breakups were really wearing on my own self-worth, my self-view, my confidence. And so I really noticed a downward spiral in other areas of my life and how I felt about myself, because of this recurring toxic cycle that I was keeping myself in.

Emmi: I actually ended up writing an entire memoir about that relationship because it had such an impact on my life. It's called Who Is Your Red Dress?, and it's one woman's quest to break up with a love addiction. And so that's the toxic cycle that I'm talking about. So that's really where this all started, prompted me to want to help other people who felt like they were in this situation where they were really stuck, and it really seems like this dark tunnel that has no end. So I knew I wanted to help them. I didn't know how at the time, but this is what it has evolved into.

Kathi: I love that, and the title is awesome. Who Is Your Red Dress? I like it. Congratulations. Who, not what, right? We all have that. We all have that special someone that we want to really show up for. And I know that you were in yours. It was a love relationship. I think for entrepreneurs it could be business relationships. It could be a partner that you really want to partner with on a promotion. But really delving into, and I'm sure your book covers this, who are they, and why is it that you strive so hard to show up? Do you think that you show up as yourself, or you show up as what the person wants to be? What's your background on that?

Emmi: I think there is a whole bunch of reasons why people could end up staying in relationships that may not be the best for them. And I actually used this thought process about my previous job as well. I was a high school biology teacher for 16 years, and I really enjoyed it for the majority, but towards the end, I had my own relationship experience that was impacting me, and so I felt this pull to really want to do something different and to leave. And I started to view it as: I need to break up with my job. And it's a huge choice. It's a huge life transition. It's jumping into the unknown. And so I absolutely agree that we can think about breakups in any life transition. Even when people's kids go off to college, you're breaking up with a certain lifestyle, right? If you move homes. So yeah, for sure, breaking up is something that extends further than just romantic partnerships.

Breaking up is something that extends further than just romantic partnerships.

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Kathi: I didn't realize you had been a teacher. So which breakup came first? Did you quit your job, or did you quit your guy first?

Emmi: Quit the guy.

Kathi: Okay. That helped you quit your job, didn't it?

Emmi: Yeah. So the journey I bring people through in my memoir is that whole sticky relationship, but what it does bring, if you do all of the inner work, all the hard work, is it brings clarity. And what I help my clients with is I help them reconnect with themselves. And that helps you really have an understanding of: what is my deeper purpose here? What do I find meaning in? How do I find connection with people? And so for me, in that time of my life, which was a few years ago, I decided, you know what? It's time. It's time for me to make new connections and make new impact in a different way.

Kathi: Claim your power. And I think that when we are on purpose, we're in power. But when we have all these things, like a bad relationship or just a system that's broken, you can't really claim your power. I always call it being stuck in the muck of your stuff, because you're stuck and you can't really see your way through. Therefore, you can't even know what your purpose is. For me, it took me 40 years to figure out my purpose, right? Because I was just busy, busy, busy. And I know that it sounds like you went through a very similar thing. So talk to me about how you transitioned. What did you do to make that transition? Because being a full-time school teacher is a big jump to becoming an entrepreneur. I'm sure it was a little bit scary, but how did that progress for you? What happened?

Emmi: Yeah, it was very scary, and it continues to be an exploration and an adventure as I figure things out. But for me, like I said, it was mostly just this deep calling and inner feeling of wanting desperately to connect with other people who had felt that similar kind of suffering, to show them a light so that they can help themselves, too. But more importantly, I wanted people to feel very supported and connected in what their experiences were, because I know I felt very alone, even though breaking up is probably one of the most common things that all human beings experience in their lifetime. And you feel like it's just happening to you, and it's so overwhelming. But the reality is that there's a lot of people that you can connect with to help you. Even when you read a book, for example, like mine, I'm sharing my story openly and vulnerably. That's someone extending a branch to you to connect with the story. How does it resonate?

Emmi: And so, to answer your question of how did I transition, I just knew I wanted to create those kind of connections so badly that I wanted to just go in a new path with this. And so, in addition to being a breakup coach in a 12-week program, in a group program, I also have a breakup support group. And there people can come and they can share their stories. And I can't tell you how many people reach out to me and say just being in the group and hearing other people talk about their experiences makes me feel so much better. So that to me feels great.

Kathi: Excellent job. That's what you are, a way shower and a light shower. Yes, shine the light on these situations that everybody has. It's the same reason I'm doing the podcast. Everybody feels like they're so isolated. When we're out there being entrepreneurs, we do feel isolated, and we could be up against something. Other people are up against it, but I've no idea how they got out of it, and that's why I'm dedicating this show to doing that. And so my question is, I keep thinking to myself, did you quit during summer? Did you plan on and launch during summer and then give yourself another year? What did you do about that when you launched your new business?

Emmi: So what happened was, actually, I had decided to just launch into it and just jump and learn as I went, right before COVID. So in my case, it actually worked to my advantage, because I had a lot of extra time at home to just start learning. Entrepreneurship is so different from… well, there's a lot of overlap actually with teaching, especially coaching. However, with marketing and just learning about entrepreneurship in general, learning how to network, all the things, that was a big learning curve. Technology, oh my gosh, technology was like my nemesis. And so I started hardcore just diving in and learning all of that pretty much during the first COVID year. So that did give me a little bit of extra time by myself to do that.

Kathi: Yeah, that worked out way to your advantage. That's amazing. So during COVID you were probably Zoom teaching.

Emmi: Yeah, we were Zoom teaching. But in the beginning, a lot of it was new, right? This new style of teaching, nobody really knew what was going on. We were all trying to figure out how are we going to continue to teach and have a curriculum that's virtual. So at that time it wasn't as structured as it came to be in the second year. So yeah, there was more time for me to work on that.

Kathi: Yeah. What a huge blessing. That's a wonderful thing. I know COVID has been really a tragedy for a lot of people, and also serendipity for other people. So what do you think, now that you're an entrepreneur, you've been out here and doing it? What's the one lesson that you think that you've learned throughout this? What's the one big 'oh yeah' aha moment?

Emmi: Kathi, it's relationships. And I know that probably sounds cliché coming from a breakup and relationship coach, but I will say that it is twofold: my relationship with myself and my relationship with other people. So when I was a teacher, I pretty much stayed in my room all the time, just so I'd get all my work done. I didn't spend a whole lot of time reaching out to other people in the building. Entrepreneurship is the complete opposite, right? I had to totally learn about myself enough to be able to step out of my comfort zone, start reaching out to people, having these conversations. So I learned a real lot about myself and how I communicate with other people, how strong I really can be and how resilient, and it's opened a lot of doors in my own mind as to exploring who I am, what brings me joy, how I can use my skills and talents to help other people.

Emmi: And it's really been a blessing to be able to grow, because I knew towards the end of my teaching that I was ready and wanting to grow. And I never would have guessed that this would be the way, if you would have asked me when I was younger. But yeah, writing the book and starting the business has been like exponential personal growth, which I hope to share with the people that I help.

Writing the book and starting the business has been like exponential personal growth, which I hope to share with the people that I help.

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Kathi: I absolutely love that. So what do you feel has been your best success? Or I should say, what's the thing that's brought you the biggest amount of joy since you've launched?

Emmi: Hands down, when I get feedback or a testimonial, because I always send out a completion survey at the end of my 12-week coaching program called Wake Up From Your Breakup. Because I want people to get slapped across the face and know this is an opportunity for you to learn from your experiences. And when I can read someone's honest, sincere feedback about how learning certain strategies and thinking about things in a different way has allowed them to just approach their life in a completely different way… I actually had one client who felt so much more confidence and a sense of self-worth, she got a huge tattoo of how strong she was. It's a quote about strength, on her body. I mean, how impactful is that? Someone's really got to believe it to tattoo it on your body. So that for me is huge.

Kathi: Absolutely. So how do you celebrate your success? For me, this year is all about celebration, because I've determined that I don't celebrate enough for my own successes and milestones. What do you do to celebrate when you get to that point where you're like, 'Yeah'?

Emmi: That's a fantastic question, because I think I need to do it more. I really do. Right now it's like a very sad party. It's like, 'Oh, good job, Emmi.' Read the testimonial again, really let it sink in, process it. But I think I do need more celebration of my successes. I really agree with you on that.

Kathi: Yeah. What do you do when you released your book? Did you stop and celebrate? Because I did not, and that's why I'm in this big celebration-for-the-year thing.

Emmi: Yeah, I love that. I was glossing over it in the beginning, but I forced myself to take a pause and to just revel in the enormity of the project that I just completed, and, if I dare say, had the bravery and courage to release, because it is a lot of personal details. It's very spicy. And so for me to put all of that out there, I think it was a very huge accomplishment. So I had to pause and acknowledge that in myself. But Kathi, I'm curious to know, what are some of the things that you do to celebrate?

Kathi: I acknowledge you for that. I really do. A memoir is really a thing, right? It's your heart. You're giving your heart out. For me, celebration is stopping and actually going out and doing something. I love to have Sunday fun days. I love to have fun days in general, for me to get out and actually do something that's breaking the pattern. For me, celebration is doing something that I've never done before. So whether it's go to a new park, go eat a new food, see a new thing, that's what celebration is for me, because I love new stuff. So anytime that I can embrace something new, I feel like I'm celebrating, and getting out and about, and actually acknowledging. Yesterday I did a quick little Facebook video just saying, I'm here celebrating that I did my 50th podcast episode. Yay. Stopping to do that, because before last year, I wouldn't have even thought about it: oh yeah, I did 50, whatever. No, I think we need to stop and really savor what we've done in our accomplishments. So thanks for asking.

Emmi: Oh my gosh, I love that. I think I'm going to actually start implementing that in my own life, because I love doing new things, too. So I think that will make me feel very energized, actually, after any accomplishment.

Kathi: Yeah, absolutely. Something new. And it also helps you really learn to embrace change and actually be proactive about the changes that you're doing in your life. So it's proactive change, which I think is really important for us, because change happens all the time. So why not just take the bull by the horns and change into what we want to do, which for me right now is celebration. So there's so many women that might be listening to this that maybe have left their job or are considering leaving their job. What advice would you give them, Emmi? You made a big leap. What would be your best piece of advice for them if they're thinking about making that jump?

Emmi: Well, I think something you and I were talking about before we started recording is, if you can, it's so helpful to try to plan your exit. I personally did have somewhat of a plan, so that I would be able to give my new business a year without having to worry at all about my success or finances, and just allow myself to be creative and try and learn and explore. So I had a plan for that. You were telling me that you help women plan for things like finances, even when it comes down to what stuff you're going to bring with you to the next place, or the next relationship, or the next job, whatever. I think giving that a little bit of consideration can give you huge understanding and clarity. So the planning piece was a big part for me.

Emmi: And in relation to breakups, when I did the final breakup with that guy, I did have a plan. I told myself I was going to do so much personal development before my next relationship, so that when I met someone, I would be fully available to be able to create a healthy, meaningful relationship and not just be repeating all my past patterns. So again, that was planning, right?

Kathi: Imagine a school teacher without a plan.

Emmi: I know. You would never, ever guess.

Kathi: But you're going to have a plan. I shouldn't even ask you that. But for those of you out there listening, this is important stuff. Plan your exit strategy. Plan how you're going to launch whenever you're ready to start a business. Get your ducks in order, so to speak. And for me, plan what your day is going to look like. How are you going to manage yourself? Because I find people that are leaving a corporate environment, or a school or education environment, they have a routine. And when you get out on your own, there's no routine sitting there, and there's no office set up properly. There's not that stuff. There's not the bones, so to speak, for your business. So planning is so very important. I'm glad you brought that up. Of course, you're talking my talk.

Emmi: Couldn't agree more. I will say, though, even though I am a very structured person, being a teacher, literally every minute is planned out for you in the day. So I am a good planner and an organizer, but it still has been a little bit of a struggle with remaining consistent. So I think I've gotten a little bit better with that, and thinking about what things do I want to do on what days. Like, okay, I'm going to have the majority of my calls on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I'm going to leave Monday and Friday for creativity and content and interviews and things like that. So having a little bit more structure around when I want to do things has been helpful, too.

Kathi: Perfect. Well, that leads me into my next question. What's your favorite organizing device or tactic? I love the fact, by the way, that you're grouping your calls and you're setting bookends for being organized in content creation. That's perfect. But do you have any other organizing device or tactic that you rely upon that really supports you?

Emmi: My device is a pen and paper. I love my planner because, as we were talking about, in the beginning I felt like I was doing so much stuff, but then I would never see my accomplishments. It would just be like, well, I know I was doing stuff this week, but had no clear idea of what those things were. So I actually really enjoy… I make a little box, and then I write a thing next to it, and then when I do it, I get to check it off. And then at the end of the week you can look and see how full every single day was, and you can better reflect on what you accomplished throughout your day and throughout the week.

Kathi: Which allows you to celebrate. I've been doing the checkbox thing, too. As a writer, I'm also a paper and pen person. I keep my to-dos in one notebook, and it feels great just to go like that: check, check, check. I think it's an excellent system for some people, and some people want to do it digitally, but everybody's different, and that's the beauty of the world. So let's see. If you could turn back time and talk to your 18-year-old self, what would you tell that little girl right now? Or I guess she'd be a woman at that point, at 18.

Emmi: Oh man. Well, I would tell her: here, do all of these reflection exercises before you go off and start getting into relationships. Honestly, having worked with high school students, I've thought about this a lot, because this is when all of your romantic relationships start. Some people start in high school, but a lot of people, their relationships start in either high school or right when they get to college. And sometimes those relationships can really impact the direction your relationship life goes. And so I would love to go back to my younger self, and would love to help young people, women and men nowadays, to really do some inner work to get clear about what it is that they want, and then to set boundaries around that, and then how do you have the confidence and self-worth to maintain those boundaries. And it's an ongoing process.

Emmi: So one of my missions is just to help people of all ages understand that you can give yourself permission at any time to take what I call a breakup recovery period, where you just pause. You can pause from your dating, pause from your relationships, reconnect with yourself, and ask yourself: am I living in alignment with what I really believe and want? So I would tell my 18-year-old self to periodically do that, throughout each year. Do a check-in, come back.

You can give yourself permission at any time to take what I call a breakup recovery period.

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Kathi: That's excellent advice, and I can just see the 18-year-old going, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah.' But it is so important. Your relationships in college can affect your career path. Your relationships can affect all sorts of things that you do further on, and we don't even realize that when we're younger. So that's good advice. Okay, so I know that you have something that you want to provide for the listeners. What is it that they can download from you?

Emmi: Yes. Well, it will help you get organized in your relationship with life. I call it my relationship cheat sheet, and it's got four neat little quadrants that help you to assess not only what you want in your life, but also to use it as a mirror to reflect back on yourself and say, 'Am I where I need to be in order to attract the kind of partnership that I want?' So you can use it as a double exercise. So that is at emmifortin.com/whoihelp, and it's a free download, the relationship cheat sheet. It helps you get clear.

Kathi: I love it. And for those of you who are on the site, or whatever you're listening to, there'll be a link below, and you can just click on there and get your download from Emmi. And this is fantastic. I think it's so important that we learn how to discontinue the relationships that aren't good for us. And you're a master at that. And I encourage any of you who are looking at a breakup of whatever, could be a business partner, could be whatever it is, make sure that the breakup works for you and not against you, because it's the stuff you don't want to be holding, right? So thank you. Is there anything else that I should have asked you that we haven't talked about?

Emmi: Well, I was thinking about that, and basically the question I think is really important is: how can we feel organized and energized in our relationships? And so that's what you and I have been talking about, and I do believe that it's really reconnecting with yourself and really figuring out what makes you feel alive and what brings you joy, because a lot of times we'll rely on other people to do that for us, whether it's friends, family, romantic people. And it all comes back to you knowing: where does your life force get ignited? And that's going to allow you to attract all the kinds of people into your life: business opportunities, friends. I've got people in my breakup support group who come, and you think we're going to talk about romantic relationships, but they're like, 'I need to break up with this friend,' or, 'I need to break up with my sister.' And so I think definitely knowing what fuels you is one of the most important things. So if you feel lost, which a lot of people say after a breakup of any kind, how do you find yourself? It's reconnecting with that inner flame, if you will.

Knowing what fuels you is one of the most important things.

Kathi: Yeah, that's really good. What fuels you, and then what zaps you? I find that sometimes I find myself putting people in what I call timeout. It's like I'm not really breaking up with them; I'm putting them in timeout until something can shift energetically in the relationship. So yeah, I think that's really good, and if the person is not fueling you, then it's timeout or breakup, whatever floats your boat, right?

Emmi: Yeah, I love that idea. You're in a timeout. You don't even have to tell them, necessarily.

Kathi: No, you don't have to. It's like, in my mind, they're in recess. You'd appreciate that as a teacher. Put them in timeout. Sit them in the corner over there.

Emmi: Yeah, for sure.

Kathi: Well, thank you so much. I hope that you folks that are listening have been inspired to move forward and break up any relationship that's not serving you, and make sure to download Emmi's wonderful download, the cheat sheet. I like the four quadrants idea. I'm going to download it and see what's up with that. But thank you, Emmi. I really appreciate your time, and it's such a joy to have you on the show.

Emmi: Thank you, Kathi. I've had a great conversation with you today.

Kathi: Absolutely. Signing off till next week, gang.