How to Beat Burnout for Yourself, Your Family and Your Team with Stan Ward

Kathi: Hi everyone, I am back and I am with Dr. Stanley J. Ward. He is the founder of Influence Coaching, and we're going to talk today about how to avoid burnout. We all go through periods of burnout, and this is his game on how to teach us how to deal with burnout, conflict and that type of thing. So, welcome to the show, Stan.

Stan: Thank you, Kathi. I'm glad to be here.

Kathi: Absolutely. So, talk to me a little bit about your journey to get to where you are. I would expect we're going to go into the backstory of burnout, but talk to me about how you got to where you are right now.

Stan: Yeah. So, some of it is in 2015, I was presented with really a life-altering medical diagnosis, and it was pretty bleak. Some friends of ours heard about this. They have a connection with the Mayo Clinic. I went up to Mayo, and after two weeks of poking and prodding by the best medical minds in the country, if not the world, my doctor sat me down and he said, "Mr. Ward, tell me how you deal with stress." And so that was the beginning of a journey of learning to appreciate the power of stress, the importance of managing it. I was already working as a leadership coach at the time, but that really helped focus my practice to take stress much more seriously. And so that's why the emphasis on helping folks beat burnout, managing conflict in a constructive way and creating sustainable positive change.

Mr. Ward, tell me how you deal with stress.

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Kathi: Yeah. So how did you used to handle stress?

Stan: Well, the reason I'm balding is there's so much going on up here, right? So a lot of ruminating, a lot of internalizing it, carrying it in my gut. Essentially what had happened is my digestive tract had just ceased functioning, and I was having trouble eating any solid foods. Chronic bacterial overgrowth in my gut. Lost a lot of weight, got really weak. The local prognosis was maybe having to do tube feedings and just some awful stuff. And come to find out, it was really self-induced. It was a physical problem, yes. There are mechanical issues there, but it was a stress response that I had created in my system.

Kathi: That's incredible. It's amazing, actually, that a doctor would actually say that. That was a huge blessing for you, I'm sure, for him to sit you down and say that. So now you've transitioned into someone who helps other clients do that. Can you talk to me about a story of one of your clients, a transformational story on where they were, what they worked themselves through and how they ended up after working with you?

Stan: Yeah. So one is coming to mind: a physician, a clinic owner. In her situation, of course, you can imagine right now with all that's going on, not just COVID, but the changes that the medical industry has seen, the amount of paperwork folks have to do, she really was at risk for some pretty serious burnout, possibly career-changing type stuff. And by working together, we were able to get very specific, laser focused on what was leading to that sense of overload that was causing some of the burnout. Helping her tap into things so that she was able to be in a healthier space emotionally, to help her create more margin as well, physical margin. And then helping her really just feel more effective by recognizing what was worth addressing, and then what was just taking up a lot of mental space that could be let go of.

Kathi: When you say physical margin, what does that mean?

Stan: Well, there's only so many hours in the day, right? And so figuring out how to spend that time and dealing with the constraints that your body puts on you. That's been part of my journey. There's a lot more things I would like to accomplish in a day than, A, there's hours for and, B, than my body will necessarily let me accomplish. And even saying that, it's like, oh man, I hate to admit it. But yeah, we are creatures who have limitations. And yeah, we can make amazing things happen, but part of that happens when we respect the raw material that we're working with. When we understand what keeps that raw material in a healthy state, so we can make our contribution to the world.

We are creatures who have limitations.

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Kathi: Ah, I love this. This is a completely different shift of terminology than I've ever heard. So, your physical margins. Of course I talk a lot about the biological clock: when are you up, when are you down? But as far as the margins that you can protect your physical body with, I think that's really a cool thing to think about. I like thinking about it that way.

Stan: Well, you're an expert in organizing, right? So I would say part of this is helping people organize the things that put energy back into their system, and scheduling that. That's been one of the biggest shifts I've seen for folks: as they get intentional about the energy-in component, it helps them manage the energy out.

Kathi: Yeah. And giving time to create the energy. The more organized you are, the more time you have. And then you have time to actually nurture your body and honor your body and give your body some fun, some jumping up and down time, or basically some Z time, whatever the body needs to replenish. Yeah. I get it. Oh, that's really amazing. What's one lesson that your business has taught you? I know you went through your own journey, but I think our clients sometimes are our best teachers. What's something that was an aha moment for you, where you're like, "Oh, okay. I get that now"?

Stan: Wow, that's so good. So what I'm hearing really is a question about working with clients: what are some things I've learned from them? So the importance of the stories we tell ourselves is probably the biggest thing. There's the thing that happens, and then there's how I interpret what happens. And the closer those are aligned, or the more healthy the lens is through which we're seeing that experience, the more we're able to sustain ourselves, the more we're able to have emotional margin, possibly physical margin. I think of a client the other day. It's so funny. He was getting frustrated because people were slow to answer his emails, right? And he was frustrated because he was just constantly on email, answering things as quickly as humanly possible. And in part of that conversation, he realized, oh, wait a minute. I've put this burden on myself. So now I'm stressed out, feeling like I have to answer everybody's stuff, and that urgency is not being felt by these other parties. So maybe I can again have some more margin, where it's not as urgent as I felt like it was.

There's the thing that happens, and then there's how I interpret what happens.

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Kathi: I think that's so funny, because I have a lot of clients who, actually, I teach them to do an email signature that says, "Hey, in order to help my clients more, I do not check my emails every minute. I check them twice a day. If you need something important from me, text me, call me, do something besides email me." So I think what happens is we're all trying to operate at the speed of life. Oh, quick, quick, quick, instant, instant, instant. And we can get so burned out doing that. So, good for your client that he came to you. People don't care as much as you care about your business, or even responding, so get light and happy with that. So when you have a success in your life or in your business, I'm asking this now for everybody: how do you celebrate? What's your little celebration routine, or how do you really say, "Yeah, go"?

Stan: I think the biggest thing is just highlight it. So one of the things we do in our family: we used to do this when everybody was at home, but on Sunday dinner we would basically say, okay, share three successes of the week. And so we still do variations of that periodically in the evening. Even if it's just my wife and I, we may talk about, okay, what were some of your successes of the day? So just verbalizing it alone can be very helpful. As well, people I've worked with have encouraged me to, at the end of the day, list three things. What were three things that went well? Just to get that feedback, to see it in writing or to verbalize it, and let yourself experience the endorphins.

Kathi: Yeah, exactly. Take the time to actually stop and consider what you've accomplished. When I work with families all the time, I talk about the family meeting on Sunday, which is exactly what you were doing. In the family meeting on Sunday, you're not only prepping for the week, but you're actually talking about what was the great thing. What are the three things that happened to you that you loved, and then what gave you lemons? Just have a dialogue between family. But I think the most important thing is what really great thing happened to you. And I love the idea, being a writer, of writing it down, because it's like you're making it more solid in your mind. Yeah, I did that. That's really cool. So cool. That's great. So, okay, being a professional organizer, I have to ask: what is your favorite organizing hack or program or something that you use that really supports you with your business, Stan?

Stan: Yeah, it's a great question. So, again, I joke that there's a lot going on up here. That's why there's this heat coming off this thing. And so the thing that sometimes I'm the least organized with is just, there's so many thoughts running through my head, and how do I sort all that out? So years ago, I started practicing bullet journaling. I found that to be really helpful. Migrating that with Evernote, or integrating that with Evernote. Evernote is just a catch-all for me. That helps me manage those ideas. And then just practicing the 80/20 rule. So yeah, I capture a lot of ideas, but I'm not acting on all of them. I try to really focus: what are the 20% of these things that are going to get me 80% of the results? Put the time and energy into that.

Kathi: Yeah. What's going to move the needle? And you're right. I'm so guilty of the 80%, just creating, creating, creating, and not really following up on the other stuff, the 20% that will actually move that creation down the road. And I love Evernote myself, for sure. It's a great tool, and the fact that it will transfer over all your devices is just a great thing. Good, good. Okay, so if you could turn back time and you could talk to your 18-year-old Stan, who probably had hair at that point, maybe, what would you tell him?

Stan: Oh, man. Beautiful hair. Beautiful hair. So, yeah, enjoy the hair while you got it. 18-year-old self, I would say, man, just relax. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, buddy. It's going to be okay. That's probably the first thing I would say.

Kathi: Yeah, I love that. That's so important. I don't know, I was so relaxed at 18, I wasn't paying attention. But I would tell my 27-year-old self that for sure. When I started trying to move and cruise and zoom, it's like, don't be so serious. It's all just a journey.

Stan: I'd also tell myself to buy stock in Apple. That would have been a good time.

Kathi: Ah, yes. Yes. I agree with that. Okay. So what's a memorable moment that you've celebrated in your career? What can you think of that was really your "Yay!"?

Stan: Oh, man. That's so good. Oh wow, there's so many. I like to write, as you talked about, and so anytime when those writing projects are done and that book is on the shelf, oh, that just feels so good. So cool. Conversations with people where they've talked about not only has a coaching item helped them at work, but it's helped them at home. That work-life integration for me is so important. And so those moments really impact me. Kind of like you, talking about the family meeting piece. Again, helping folks with skills that really help them show up both at work and home. Anytime that happens, for me, that's a jazz hands moment.

Kathi: Yeah, I'm with you on that. Oh, I like the jazz hands. That's good. That's good. It just feels good. Yeah, I agree, having the integration. I think as all of us that help our clients, we want it to transfer into all the other areas of their life. That way we know that it's been integrated and that they get it. They're like, "Oh, okay. I understand that now." And then it transfers over. And I also think that the more that you help the person in the family, the family benefits, and then the family grows and expands as well. The fact that your family had the Sunday meetings, I'm positive that when your children grow up, they're going to follow a similar pattern and incorporate some of that really gravy, groovy stuff that you taught them. So it's going to go on and on and on. And that's the way that we can affect lineage and have more lasting effect than just the one person that's sitting right in front of us as a coach or as a helper. That's good. Okay. So, what should I ask you? What should we talk about that we haven't really covered? Is there anything in your brain that you just want to tell these people?

Stan: Yeah. So it would be this idea of self-care: that self-care is not selfish. I know for me, I have struggled in the past with that term, and probably still have some little bit of wrestling with it. But once I realized that I don't blame my car for telling me to change the oil, right? And the reason that is, is because it's carrying me. It may be carrying my family. It helps me get back and forth to work. To see self-care really as the self-maintenance things we do that help us show up for the people and organizations we care about, right?

Self-care is not selfish.

Kathi: Yeah, I really like that, and it's so true. And oftentimes self-care is the last thing on our list. So I think putting self-care first is the least selfish thing that you can do. I'm in complete alignment with that. And I'm sorry, gang, for calling you these people. I just said, what am I doing? I'm saying these people. I really mean you listeners out there. Please accept my apologies for calling you these people. That was a little bit cray cray. Anyhow, so yeah, self-care is where it's at. I am in complete alignment. So I know that you probably have something that you're offering the audience, not these people, but you people out there that are listening. What can they download?

Stan: Well, I heard these wonderful people. That's what I heard you say. These wonderful people. Maybe the internet glitched when you said that, but that's what I heard.

Kathi: Thank you, Stan. I appreciate that.

Stan: Yeah, happy to help. I would encourage folks to go to coachingforinfluence.com/burnout, and there you can download the formula for beating burnout. It's a free PDF. It gives you not only a formula to help you predict where you're at on burnout, but it gives you action items you can take to help you stay in that healthy place.

Kathi: That's fantastic. And I'll put the link below in the show notes for sure, so you can just click and download it. What's the first thing that you would do if you're feeling burned out? What's the first step that someone could take, besides downloading the report, which you all should do? The one thing, what would be step one?

Stan: So it's going to be a little step one point five-ish, maybe. But that's this idea of, okay, recognize you're probably in fight or flight way too much, and so that's just wrecking you. And so just as simple as, take a second: inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth, right? That inhale that comes all the way down to the belly, and an exhale that's longer than the inhale. So maybe I inhale for a count of three, exhale for a count of six. Just giving yourself that gift at that moment. Repeat it two or three times, and that's going to start helping you get back in that parasympathetic state where rest, healing and digestion can happen.

Kathi: What a fabulous tip. I love breath work myself. I do breath work all the time, and I think it's so important to just maintain that balance and equilibrium. And again, give your brain a break. Don't overwork your brain. Your brain is on its own just happy as a camper, going as fast as possible. And I do think that breath work really does help relieve that fight or flight. You actually have an understanding of where you were, like, "Oh, okay. I was in fight at that point," right?

Stan: Yeah. Our brains are processing way faster than we're able to recognize. And so when that tension comes up in the body, that's telling you it's time to breathe.

Kathi: Yeah. Breath work, breath work, breath work. I love it. Well, thank you so much for being a guest. I really appreciate your generosity of giving the audience a download, and I wish you much success. And thank you for your time, Stan. It's been a pleasure.

Stan: Thank you, Kathi. It's been a fun conversation.

Kathi: Absolutely.